Giving a voice to Miss Independent

Let me tell you about this Miss Independent…

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She works herself to the bone everyday just so when she gets home, all she does is throw herself on the couch and probably catch the news then hit the sack. She is constantly working, just so she cannot be reminded of how lonely she is. This Miss Independent, who will soon become Mrs. Independent because clearly no man will ever marry her, due to the callus she’s built around her heart. Miss Independent has everything she needs (money, house, car). But is it really all that she needs? “No human being is an island”, they say. Quite aware of this, she decides to shun it away nonetheless.

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Miss Independent, soon to be Mrs, fairly gives a guy she thinks is worthy a chance. But because this guy thinks she is impossible, and because he thinks Miss Independent doesn’t need a man since she is a man herself; he doesn’t treat her the way she ought to be treated. This man thinks Miss Independent doesn’t respect him, feels she doesn’t need him because she does everything herself anyway. He doesn’t see why he should be there for her; in the process not realizing that relationships aren’t just about materialistic things. That’s where he gets it wrong.

He says to her “by the time I’m done with you, you will be a real woman”. Such a comment would throw anyone aback. Filled with gnawing doubts, she retaliates – “Wait a minute, no-one will change me”. This relationship is doomed from the outset, clearly its become a war, everyone proving their strength. When he realizes it’s impossible to change this woman; indignant, he administers a plan to bring her down. He makes sure he hurts her and leaves her humiliated. Does it work? Of course it does, she loved this man. Yes she is independent, but like any other, she is human and will go through all the stages of mending a broken heart. Feeling dejected, she picks up the pieces all by herself, and because everyone knows her to be STRONG, they tell her “you will get over this soon, you are a strong person”. Having to live up to society’s perception of her, she neglects her emotion, she neglects the healing process, lifts her chin up and forges ahead. Because she did not heal well enough, this will come back to haunt her. Sublimely unaware of all the damage this might cause her, she pushes on through.

She automatically shields herself, promising herself that such will never happen again. She gives another man a chance, he is dealing with his own demons, and so is she. “This won’t work again”, she thinks to herself. Blind date, she’s been to many; social networks, she’s tried it all. “You need to let your guard down and lower your standards a bit”, her friends tell her. She lowers them so much that she ends up dusting herself off in shame. Finally, oh finally she meets someone who earns more than she does, probably not as educated as she is, but his position at work is enough to let him have the upper hand in the relationship. But wait, of course there’s something wrong with this one. Every woman wants him, and he’s so used to women bowing down to him, Miss Independent has to do the same in order to ensure that this relationship prospers. How does she even begin to “un-learn” such? She’s so used to getting everything herself, she never has to ask anyone for anything. Does she have to change all that now? Maybe if he realizes that she’s not after his money he will respect her enough. I mean clearly his past relationships didn’t work for this very reason. He takes charge, she dubs him “SuperMan”. She likes that about him; it’s about damn time a guy had the upper hand. She inevitably falls in love with him. In all of this, she is still Miss Independent. There’s no way she is going to change any of this; however, she is flexible. All seems well, although she’s never asked him for anything. “Should I? No, everything is going so well, I wouldn’t want to spoil things now”. This man is so used to being put on the pedestal, having to stroke his ego every second of every day. This is becoming too much for her. She retaliates, he does the same. They get into an argument, none is willing to let go of their pride… Once again, she is told that she is a man and will never find happiness in any relationship.

They call her a feminist – a term that seems to be accompanied by many negative connotations. “Maybe I should just focus on my work and take a break from this dating business”. Little does she know that in all of this, she is making herself even more daunting, she is building an even thicker callus.

Because she can do everything for herself, she feels her man needs to prove his worth.

Little do they know that she’s a woman, and like any other woman, she needs love. She actually may be more vulnerable than your “ordinary” woman. Miss Independent is of course financially independent, but she deserves love, she wants for once to be taken out on a romantic date. That bag she loves so much – and can probably afford to get herself – she’d like it if her man got it for her. She wants to be reminded of how precious and valued she is. Like any other woman, she’d like to know that she belongs…

Dear men, Miss Independent doesn’t like this title which suddenly deems her evil. She is a woman first, she needs her beauty embraced, she wants her emotions to be taken into consideration and she doesn’t want to have it together all the time. Just for once, can someone be strong for her. This Miss Independent is human, she’s no island, and if you can just be comfortable in your own skin as a man, let her play her role, and not let her attempt at making you happy be a threat to your manhood; you will soon realize how harmless she is. This woman, like any other, needs nurturing, she wants you to fix her flat tyre – even though she can do it herself, she wants you to fix her leaking tap, she wants you to assemble her braai stand for her… She is a woman, not a threat. Love her!

When you finally become cognisance to the fact that money alone doesn’t warrant the success of a relationship, call her.

No more Mr. Wrong

So I’m sipping on a glass of wine and I find myself listening to Mary J Blige featuring Drake – Mr. Wrong.

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How many of us actually stick around with the people we know clearly aren’t good for us. We want to end up with the right one, but still stick around and continue being with the people we know aren’t right for us.

You hold on for dear life, knowing fairly well that you shouldn’t. Your friends tell you that you should let go, but you think they’ve never really experienced love before.

You love him, yet you aren’t really sure why. You want to walk out, but something holds you back. You think you are going crazy, but you continue to hold on. Why exactly are you still there? He hurts you, you make excuses for him; he hurts you, you think it will be better next time.

Has this become your safe haven? I guess sometimes you thinks its better to hold on to that someone, because you wouldn’t wanna be hurt by any other. Probably because you are scared of the future, the unknown. Maybe because you don’t think that someone can love you that way, even though sometimes your mind tells you that he isn’t loving you the way you ought to be loved.

Why do we hold on to the wrong ones? I mean this must be toxic. This must be damaging to you as an individual. You break up, get back together only when he decides. He clearly knows that you will always be around, probably his back-up. For how long?

In all honesty, Memories of the moments we shared; good moments are slowly in my head turning into an avalanche of pain that’s haltingly suffocating me

Where art though euphoria? You elude me. Longing for that gaze into space; that brim. Oh how I want that delectation. Reaching out, imploring you to see me.

I don’t wanna be with my Mr. Wrong anymore… Wait, maybe just one last time!!

Heart in Great Turmoil – to my first love

Understanding why we parted ways in the first place

My mind reminding me why I shouldn’t go back

My mind refusing to even think about you

How can I though?

As the salty waters flood my big eyes

As I try to hold them back from flowing

The throat swallowing what seems to be the last of my saliva

Trying to put it all in words just seems so silly

“Why did you fall for him in the first place?”

My mind questions my heart

Swearing at how stupid and weak it is

“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO PUMP BLOOD, NOT FALL IN LOVE”

Aching… Too embarrassed to even look

Too afraid to show any form of emotion – she shudders

As the blood leaks, in the form of tears from this beautiful organ

Asking to be forgiven, promising not to make such a mistake in the future

The mind imploring the heart to shut down any form of feelings

Does the heart ever listen?

Sucker for pain you

Stupid organ you are

Why won’t you just listen

It’s really not as it seems

When exactly is the perfect time to suggest to someone that they should leave their lover? Someone who probably gives her everything, she doesn’t ever have to work a single day in her life, but all that comes with beatings. She seems to have everything in order, everything she ever wanted, but rather a man who beats her up. Do we question whether he really does love her? I mean it goes without saying that physical violence is accompanied by emotional trauma. In this instance he probably doesn’t love her as society would conclude. So why is she still with him?

Now lets look at Lady number 2… Her man is the “perfect gentleman” as society would deem, him. He doesn’t spoil her, doesn’t take her to exotic places on a holiday, not romantic, not poetic, but he’s never laid a hand on her. She feels she has it much better because although this man neglects her feelings, he doesn’t beat her up. So which woman has it better here? Would you tell lady number one to leave her man who beats her up but gives her everything she needs, or lady number 2 who gets nothing but at least her face is still very beautiful?

What happens in this case? My theory is, You have to love someone enough to take all their bullshit, because in all honesty, no one comes free of baggage.

With all that being said; no-one really has this love thing well figured out. You see a couple happily in love, but truth is, you cannot be certain of what really goes on in that affair. We so often envy other people, wishing for that perfect love… Well, that perfect love may come with physical and emotional pain. It’s not always as it seems!!!